Picking up the pieces

I feel so broken. I feel like so much was taken from me that I can never get back. My heart and mind feel vacant. I do not know what I'm thinking. I struggle for find words to express how I feel, when in all reality, I don't even know. How can I expect anyone else to understand what I'm going through when I don't even understand. I know bad things happen in this world, but I don't think kids my age were made to understand something so deep like this. I've never felt so much and yet understood so little. I know Jeremy says he's there for me. He says it all the time, and he sounds like he means it. I know Sarah and Naomi say I can talk to them and trust them, but I don't trust anyone, not even myself. There is a difference between knowing someone meaning what they say, and truly believing it for yourself. It's not their fault. I know they want to help. It's my fault, for all of it. Well, that's how I feel anyway. Jeremy tells me that this isn't my fault. I know he's right, I just don't believe it! I don't believe a lot right now. I'm scared. Terrified actually. What's going to happen to me? Will I be okay? Will I have to see him again? Will my parents be mad at me? Will they take even more away from me? All I ever wanted was to feel safe, and for a while I did. Until that Friday afternoon. All safety and security was taken from me. I was exposed to the cold hard truth of this world. It's not safe. It's the farthest thing from safe. When I know nothing, feel nothing, and believe nothing, it's so much harder to feel safe. I know Jeremy, Sarah, and Naomi want whats best for me, but believing anyone wants what's best for me is hard. I know I can't let this eat me up inside. I know I have to talk about it.It was so hard to tell Jeremy and I trust him with my life. How can I tell someone I barely know? I know Betsy seems nice and trustworthy, but I can't just jump to that conclusion. I have before and it always ends with me broken and trust betrayed. What do I do?

Gods Plan For Me

I look at my friend Sarah and see her spiritual gift for evangelism. I look at my friend Naomi and see how close her relationship is with the Lord and her power she has with her ears to listen. I see that Julia has a servants heart. I look at myself and don't see any of that. Why? Why aren't I like them? Why can't I lead people to the Lord within minutes like Sarah can? Why don't I have the power to listen like Naomi does? Do I serve for my own glory, or for the glory of God?

Shortly after I asked myslef all of these questions, God answered me. It's not that Sarah is spiritually better than me, or that Julia is completely selfless and I am totally selfish. It's not that I'm impatient and Naomi has all the patients in the world. It's that I am me. Naomi is Naomi, Sarah is Sarah, Julia is Julia. What all these girls have in common is that these strenghts I have identified are their gifts from God. Those are their strong points God has given them and they are all  different. Just like God gave each of them different gifts, I have my own gift. I just have to WAIT. God will help me in time figure out why I am here, what my purpose is, and how to use my gift to the fullest to glorify Him. I would absolutly love to pray with someone on the street that I've never met before and help them to accept Christ. And maybe that's my gift. I don't know yet. Right now, that's not where God is calling me. And that's okay.

All I know is God will show me the way. He will show me what He has planned for my future. I may never be able to lead people to the Lord like Sarah. But I may be able to plant the seed, or even to water it. I don't know. But God does, and I love knowing that He is the one who holds my destiny and knows everything from beginning to end. Becuase believe you me, if I knew that, I would be completely terrified.

Don't worry if you haven't found your "calling" yet. I haven't either. I do know that I can't wait until God reveals it to me! And I can't wait until you let God take ahold of your life, if you haven't already, and show you what He has planned for you.

Much love,

Gabi

What happened last night?

So, everyone wants to hear the truth right? Any time someone asks you for your honest opinion they want you to say what's really on your mind, right? Well, not always. But now id my time to be honest. I know the "typical" Christian kid does drink, smoke or party. They get good grades and are nice to everyone and love helping around the church. Well part of that stereotype is true of me. But not all of it. We all make mistakes in life and its whether or not we choose to learn from them that make or break us.I have made some bad decisions recently that brought my life to a "screeching halt". I decided to be part of the "in" crowd. I felt like I needed to be accepted by the people that were supposed to love me for who I was, not what I did. I decided to smoke and drink with a couple of friends. By far, not the highlight of my teen years. The same weekend all of this happened I went to church with a hangover, also not so smart. I prayed with one of our youth groups staff members Sarah Stephens. I told her I knew why I did what I did, before I even did it. Yet I chose to do it any way. I knew that's NOT who God created me to be. So that Sunday I decided I would tell Jeremy, my youth pastor. I sent him a text Monday morning asking if there was a time we could talk about something that was very important to me. We decided on Thursday before youth group. I went in and talked to him and i felt very relieved at first. Then he dropped the bomb. I had to tell my parents. My family situation is kind of difficult to explain, but to sum it up, it's... well, unique. This wasn't going to be the easiest thing in the world. But I knew I had to do it. Jeremy and I talked for over an hour and I was completely heart broken when I left his office. At this point I felt so much guilt and pain that I didn't know what to do. I thought that talking to him and "clearing the air" would make me feel like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. But instead, I felt like 500 lbs was added to what I was already carrying. I am still in the middle of deciding when to tell my dad. Yeah, it's kind of supposed to be decided today, and yes, I'm supposed to let Jeremy know today. Something deep inside me knows the answer, but on the surface I'm just hoping he will forget all about our conversation. But I highly doubt that's possible because this was HUGE! I still have an uneasy feeling about this. I know God will work it all out. But the only thing going through my mind is negative thoughts. As I sit here and write this i feel so sick to my stomach. This past week has been so hard for me. I don't eat. I don't sleep. I'm so exhausted. I can't help but thing of everyone I have let down. Not to mention the fact I have lost two friends out of all this. I know I am wrong in what I did. Part of me regrets coming clean. Part of me knows that coming clean was the right thing to do. But I absolutely HATE what has come of this. Yet I know this is almost over. It wont last forever. Most importantly, God is a God of mercy and grace. and I need all I can get.

Consume me like a fire.

"Hey now, this is my desire, consume me like a fire, cause I just want something beautiful to touch me." NEEDTOBREATH God I want you to consume me. I want to show your love to people. I want to show lost people your way. That you love them regardless of where they've been an who they are. They are loved where they are now! I want to show them that. They are more than who everyone says they are. They are your children. Help me to show them that.

Die Daily.

I know it sounds so strange. "Die Daily" but if we want to be followers of Jesus that's what we need to do, we need to die daily to ourselves, our selfish desires, and our wants. We need to die to ourselves so Jesus can live in us. Luke 9:23 says And he said to all, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." This may be the hardest part for me in being a follower. Because I takes more than "trying" every day to deny yourself. For me it isn't easy, but it's worth it. What can you do today to deny yourself? How about helping at a homeless shelter. Stepping outside your comfort zone and sharing the gospel with a non-believer. Maybe it means you have to subject your self to hatred from others, maybe it means rejection from family members because of your faith. Jesus wants you. He wants all of you. If you don't deny yourself you're still feeding to your selfish desires and not letting Jesus fulfill all of your needs. Your more concerned with the next trend than you are with letting Jesus live through you. Die daily, take up your cross, and follow him.

To start off....

So in this blog, I'll be talking about my trials and victories. I am ready for God to break me, so I can be the person He created me to be. I am learning what it means to be a follower and not just a fan. I'm ready for what ever is thrown at me because I know that God has a plan and I'm ready to give all control to him.

Dear Heavenly Daddy,
   I ask you right now to grant me the peace and confidence in you to be able to give up all control of my life and to give it to you. I need you!I crave you! I cannot be satisfied by anything else. I ask you to break my heart for what breaks yours and I ask that I can become the beautiful young woman you created me to be. I know your plans are great and I could never succeed on my own. I ask that this blog helps people realize it is a battle to be a Christian, but it be a battle between you and evil. I ask that my heart will be opened and changed forever. I love you and I don't deserve you. Your son died on the cross for my sins. And in no way did I deserve that, but you love me so much that you sent him to do that.Your grace and mercy are raining down on me and I am so grateful that you are such an amazing forgiving God! I love you so much.

Love,
your princess,
Gabi